Empty messages...

...that's what my phone is full of right now...well...mostly my sent items folder...
I miss my man, I send him one empty text message, it says a whole lot...
I want his ass badly? I send him ten empty text messages, it says a whole lot more *smiles*
We have a weird relationship...
I can't send text messages like, 'baby, I miss you..." or 'sweetness, I have two invites to so, so, so, so and so event, what do you think?...." He can't think anything...zilch...nada... we can't go out in public together and hold hands and do all that weird PDA ish. No.
We do a lot of sneaking around and all...
Because he's married.

So, I'm sleeping with a married man.
I'm not just sleeping with a married man, I think I'm crazy about him...
He's not an angel who's so nice and honest and well mannered but is stuck in a horrible marriage, no way.
He's a bad bad guy...with a beautiful wife and lovely kids...i think...
Or at least, he hasn't painted a picture of sadness on the home front...yet...
So, back to me and my predicament...
I want to leave this man...I don't want to leave this man...
He's raised my grade point to 11 on a Crazy-Stupid-Foolish Scale of 1-10...
It feels wrong...but it feels so good...I kid you not.
I haven't ever been in a relationship where I can't show off my handsome (they're always handsome) rich (well, not always) and charming boo to friends and family and facebook (yeah, I can be one of those annoying people...discreetly though) and the world at large (should Al Jazeera be interested in my relationship status)...

So, this is really hard...and it's not just hard because of the arseness of showing off (which I can't do)...but because, I know it's  mighty wrong...I know it's not really me...I know I can't talk to anyone about it, because, they're all going to think I've finally lost my mind (everyone that knows me has been waiting for me to mess up since like...*thinking* forever?)

I can't talk to anyone about it...but my girlfriend, bless her soul, who is miles away in Florida called me at the right time one night and we got talking...we're like BFFs...or at least, we used to be...until space and school and work drove us apart...

NOOOOOOOOOO FUUUUUCCCKKKIINNNGGG WWWAAAAYYYY girl!!!

that's how she screamed...

and I cried...cuz I was so angry at myself...people are going to disappoint me, I get that...in fact, I always expect it...but then, there I was, realizing, o, I am the disappointment.

WHAT KIND OF CAR DID HE BUY FOR YOU?
he hasn't bought me a car.

OH! SO, IT'S A HOUSE! WHERE IS IT?
he hasn't bought me a house.

WHAT???? OKAY! SO WHAT DOES THIS MAN HAVE THAT HAS MADE YOU LOSE YOUR MIND? WHAT IS HE BUYING YOU?
Chewing gum...that's all for now...I need somebody to talk me out of this mess really bad...I wish you were here...

CHEWING GUM?OKAY. WHAT YOU NEED IS A HOT SLAP! REALLY HOT, RIGHT ON THE SIDE OF YOUR CHEEK.
*sigh*

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF HE'S BOUGHT ANYTHING FOR YOU, THAT'S EVEN SHALLOW, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS, PLEASE, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF, THE MAN IS MARRIED!
I know.

WELL, BITCH, IT DON'T LOOK TO ME LIKE YOU DO.
I know...

Well, I promised her I's going to stop seeing him. I promised to call her to give her the good news after a few days. I haven't called her in weeks. And I just let all her calls to me ring out. So, I'm not just screwing a married man, I'm losing my best friend too....*sigh*

I don't know why I can't leave him...I can't even figure out why or how I got myself into this arseness...I can't figure out a way to get out of this if I haven't figured out why I got into it in the first place...

I know I was lonely and he provides a whole lot of distraction...and when I'm with him, I'm happy...I'm soooo happy and it's all that matters....I'm soooo happy, I feel like I'm dreaming it...like it isn't really happening, me? happy like a foolish person...God!

To crown it all, the man is such an ass...he's very proud...or at least I think he is...but he likes me...I think he does...even though he's just a typical man...married...horny...greedy...

The sex is good...but that's not it...there's good sex with single guys too...there's good sex everywhere...why should I be having it with this really proud, (quite)handsome, sexy, MARRRRRIIIIEEEDD man?

I look at the kind of girls that sleep with married men for all sorts of reasons (mostly money and the things it can buy) and I silently say to myself , 'Welcome to the club'...and I want to slap my own face...I want to literally kick myself in the butt, I want to tear my hair out...and then I see his eyes...his nose...his lips...so, I think...it's not so bad...it's worth it...I'm not going to hurt his wife...or his kids...I'm not going to ask him for too much...I'll just go on losing my mind...hoping to find it sometime soon.

My girlfriend said to me, 'you don't like the person you've become? then do something about it because, you know what? nobody is gonna do it for you'...

I'm too lazy...too tired...I wanna have this man...this happiness...until further notice.




I won't be able to re-read, so thanks for completing this, despite the plenty mistakes and typos. I just needed to let this out. Somehow.

PS: I'm agnostic...anti-preaching...don't quote the bible to me in your comment. please, I beg of you...the people in the bible, they didn't have blackberries...or facebook, or blogs...or Nuvo...or Range Rovers...or cancer...and all the other things that make life complicated...if they did, there would be a different set of commandments.

What marks my time here?

So, I've been thinking about the sort of manic depression that drove me to open a blog and start spilling secrets to complete strangers. Constipated...not giving a shit at all.

This might work for me (and my complicated life) seeing as I can't really talk to people about how I deeply feel about stuff...but writing is easier...I think...I don't have to talk and taste my tongue here, I hope.

There are so many sad stories to tell...a few happy ones too...I dunno where to start, or IF to start. All I can think of right now is baby steps baby, baby steps.

Everyday, I find that I learn something new about myself...I surprise myself...good things...bad things..still, I think to myself, 'give me regret, as long as I can keep the good memories too'...it's selfish but it's the feel-good kind of selfish. I've lost myself. I know I have two choices; find the person I was...or lose that person completely.

I think of heaven...and hell and what part of me goes here and what part of me goes there...I ain't too good to go to heaven and I ain't too evil to end up in hell...

I think of all the major decisions I need to make...and how I keep procrastinating because I'm trying to grow up... how I am too young for all the drama...and I feel too responsible to complain...I'm trying to grow up...and then I'm dying...and I'm trying to take it all in...and I'm scared...I'm really scared...

I'm scared of the things I've done...and the things I'm doing...and mostly, for the things I haven't done.

I wish I had more time...

To fix relationships...

To severe some...

To live the life I dreamed of...

Get an Ivy-League education, graduate with honors, write a hundred bestsellers, be on the cover of all the men's magazines...and the business ones too...get married to the poster boy for honest, rich and good looking, have eight children and be happy for the rest of my life. And then life happened...as I'm trying to get used to it, death is happening.

It's not fair...I'm supposed to live long enough to fix it...to take it all back.

So, I hide in my little corner and cry when I can afford to...I hide from all the friends and family who know...who think, 'ahhh, she's one strong, smart, brave kid'...I hide from people who have no idea just how fucked up I am inside...then I cry...cleanse myself...

Still, I want that Ivy League degree

I want to hug the people I care about tighter...

And not be scared that I will strike them as needy...

I want to look into my father's eyes and tell him how I truly feel...

How much I love him...

How sorry I am about his cancer...

How angry I am that I'm the only one he's told...

How grateful I am that I'm the only one he's told...

I want to sit with my brother, just like old times...

And play Mortal Kombat for hours...

To kill him a thousand times...

And let him have one flawless victory to console him...

To let him press the pad for minutes

So we can both hear the computer say, 'fatality' and laugh...and laugh...

To read his mind...

And let him read mine...

I want to tell my ex how harder it is being alone...

How it wasn't as much about how much he lied to me...

Than it is about how much I love him too much to let him deal with the drama...of my life...

How weird it is sleeping with someone else...

How every time he's inside, it feels like I'm dreaming it...

I want to tell the man I'm sleeping with how much I think I'm crazy about him...

How happy I am that he's provided something to distract me...

How I force myself to think that it's okay if he doesn't call...

Or if he doesn't text back...

It gives me something else to worry about...

I want to look in my mother's eyes and tell her I know who she really is

What she really is...

Aaaahhh, it's true...writing this is easy...

Blogging is easy.

It's easier than talking.

It's easier than acting.

It's easier than real life.

First you see me, then you don't.

I've heard about the wonders of blogging,
The joy of sharing your intimate secrets with complete strangers.
I've heard that bloggers are good friends.
I've heard that most times, it pays to be as anonymous as possible.
People have given pointers here, pointers there.
Rules to make your blog work.
Guidelines to follow.
So, I'm not a very obedient person
I'm not into rules and regulations
I choose not to apologize for the stupid mistakes I make in my life
the stupid mistakes I will share here from time to time.
Readers may be pissed off
Readers may hate me and feel the need to hunt me down and kill me
But, there's so much hate in the world already
There's so much hate that I feel it's all on me
I haven't come to blogland to find love
I've only come to hide from the hate
To hide myself
Hoping, beyond hope, that I won't reveal myself by hiding.