Sunday, January 30, 2011

Empty messages...

...that's what my phone is full of right now...well...mostly my sent items folder...
I miss my man, I send him one empty text message, it says a whole lot...
I want his ass badly? I send him ten empty text messages, it says a whole lot more *smiles*
We have a weird relationship...
I can't send text messages like, 'baby, I miss you..." or 'sweetness, I have two invites to so, so, so, so and so event, what do you think?...." He can't think anything...zilch...nada... we can't go out in public together and hold hands and do all that weird PDA ish. No.
We do a lot of sneaking around and all...
Because he's married.

So, I'm sleeping with a married man.
I'm not just sleeping with a married man, I think I'm crazy about him...
He's not an angel who's so nice and honest and well mannered but is stuck in a horrible marriage, no way.
He's a bad bad guy...with a beautiful wife and lovely kids...i think...
Or at least, he hasn't painted a picture of sadness on the home front...yet...
So, back to me and my predicament...
I want to leave this man...I don't want to leave this man...
He's raised my grade point to 11 on a Crazy-Stupid-Foolish Scale of 1-10...
It feels wrong...but it feels so good...I kid you not.
I haven't ever been in a relationship where I can't show off my handsome (they're always handsome) rich (well, not always) and charming boo to friends and family and facebook (yeah, I can be one of those annoying people...discreetly though) and the world at large (should Al Jazeera be interested in my relationship status)...

So, this is really hard...and it's not just hard because of the arseness of showing off (which I can't do)...but because, I know it's  mighty wrong...I know it's not really me...I know I can't talk to anyone about it, because, they're all going to think I've finally lost my mind (everyone that knows me has been waiting for me to mess up since like...*thinking* forever?)

I can't talk to anyone about it...but my girlfriend, bless her soul, who is miles away in Florida called me at the right time one night and we got talking...we're like BFFs...or at least, we used to be...until space and school and work drove us apart...

NOOOOOOOOOO FUUUUUCCCKKKIINNNGGG WWWAAAAYYYY girl!!!

that's how she screamed...

and I cried...cuz I was so angry at myself...people are going to disappoint me, I get that...in fact, I always expect it...but then, there I was, realizing, o, I am the disappointment.

WHAT KIND OF CAR DID HE BUY FOR YOU?
he hasn't bought me a car.

OH! SO, IT'S A HOUSE! WHERE IS IT?
he hasn't bought me a house.

WHAT???? OKAY! SO WHAT DOES THIS MAN HAVE THAT HAS MADE YOU LOSE YOUR MIND? WHAT IS HE BUYING YOU?
Chewing gum...that's all for now...I need somebody to talk me out of this mess really bad...I wish you were here...

CHEWING GUM?OKAY. WHAT YOU NEED IS A HOT SLAP! REALLY HOT, RIGHT ON THE SIDE OF YOUR CHEEK.
*sigh*

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF HE'S BOUGHT ANYTHING FOR YOU, THAT'S EVEN SHALLOW, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS, PLEASE, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF, THE MAN IS MARRIED!
I know.

WELL, BITCH, IT DON'T LOOK TO ME LIKE YOU DO.
I know...

Well, I promised her I's going to stop seeing him. I promised to call her to give her the good news after a few days. I haven't called her in weeks. And I just let all her calls to me ring out. So, I'm not just screwing a married man, I'm losing my best friend too....*sigh*

I don't know why I can't leave him...I can't even figure out why or how I got myself into this arseness...I can't figure out a way to get out of this if I haven't figured out why I got into it in the first place...

I know I was lonely and he provides a whole lot of distraction...and when I'm with him, I'm happy...I'm soooo happy and it's all that matters....I'm soooo happy, I feel like I'm dreaming it...like it isn't really happening, me? happy like a foolish person...God!

To crown it all, the man is such an ass...he's very proud...or at least I think he is...but he likes me...I think he does...even though he's just a typical man...married...horny...greedy...

The sex is good...but that's not it...there's good sex with single guys too...there's good sex everywhere...why should I be having it with this really proud, (quite)handsome, sexy, MARRRRRIIIIEEEDD man?

I look at the kind of girls that sleep with married men for all sorts of reasons (mostly money and the things it can buy) and I silently say to myself , 'Welcome to the club'...and I want to slap my own face...I want to literally kick myself in the butt, I want to tear my hair out...and then I see his eyes...his nose...his lips...so, I think...it's not so bad...it's worth it...I'm not going to hurt his wife...or his kids...I'm not going to ask him for too much...I'll just go on losing my mind...hoping to find it sometime soon.

My girlfriend said to me, 'you don't like the person you've become? then do something about it because, you know what? nobody is gonna do it for you'...

I'm too lazy...too tired...I wanna have this man...this happiness...until further notice.




I won't be able to re-read, so thanks for completing this, despite the plenty mistakes and typos. I just needed to let this out. Somehow.

PS: I'm agnostic...anti-preaching...don't quote the bible to me in your comment. please, I beg of you...the people in the bible, they didn't have blackberries...or facebook, or blogs...or Nuvo...or Range Rovers...or cancer...and all the other things that make life complicated...if they did, there would be a different set of commandments.

15 comments:

  1. I totally agree with your friend. You need to snap out of it. Good thing you know it is wrong. You know what to do all you need now is to allow yourself do it. Is it worth losing your best friend and your sense of sanity (this one that you are snaping hair all of the place).

    You can do it : )

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  2. Well, atleast you know you are not on the right track...you have accepted that its a problem. I doubt if you are willing to gain a MARRIED man and lose your best friend. Wrong choice. Wise up! Close your eyes, grind your teeth and DO IT (like nike) lol

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  3. Hmmm...no comment on this one. Girl, I think you already know what you want to do.

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  4. OMG.... this type of situations can be hard to get out of. I think you need to ask yourself why you are with him to begin with. Then once you identify it, you need to find someone else or something to substitute for what he gives you. If I was to guess, I'll say you probably like the special attention he gives you or his sense of humor. But, guuuurrrrrllllll, hmmm... maybe immerse yourself in some type of meditation, that has helped me overcome some situations in the past.

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  5. Get out of this situation asap girl!!!

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  6. Dont wait a day longer, leave him and take hold of ur life. you'll find out soon enough that he's not worth it and u'll be happy u did

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  7. Do you have an email I could reach you on? Mine is rita@eroinspirations.com. I feel you...

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  8. I have a theory. I think single women are attracted to married men for the challenge........... well maybe. u knw that feeling when u know he has someone but he is risking it all for u, makes u feel special, gives u a sense of value, a very false sense of value, getting something which u normally shouldn't hv(jst my opinion). plus, sneaking around is kinda fun. but like u said, u dont want to hurt his wife or kids,it would be better to end it now before it blows over.

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  9. Oh my darling, so stop sounding like you need pity.

    Take her calls joo, & tell your girl to try to understand that you would love to be out of it but it’s not happening just yet, make her no promises, in all, rest assured, this thing will die a natural death, she should stop fretting, & you too.

    Enjoy it while it lasts. Na God dey give grace, no fear, you’re alright

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  10. Lol at Baroque

    ....try not to loose your friend

    but i've learnt not to judge why people get into relationships.......



    the only thing i know is..... i commend

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  11. you your courage
    a post like this.....
    lots of talk it will generate....

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  12. when you are finally ready to make the change..... you will...

    don't force yourself, else you will keep going back......
    call your friend, make her understand...it's hard..i know...been there....

    baby steps....don't talk to him as much as you do...this will only work, if you have made up your mind that u really want out

    So be honest with yourself, what do u want?

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  13. oh dear...i can't relate to this but i think i can understand!!! You are gonna be fine-your heart is in the right place!!!

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  14. I think its time for another post. Please come out of hiding!

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